Still, However

I Still Love You, Shawna X, 2017.

Still, However

Time passes, year after year,

And I still can’t forget.

We used to be so near

Since that day we met;

You didn’t mean to hurt me

But you just wanted what’s best.

All you needed was to see

⁃ see that I wasn’t like the rest.

The Past is behind us, the present minds us;

We’re too good for each other

So we let it bribe us.

Reality says no, but deep inside we still know:

We want it, we need it,

But our egos just won’t give in.

Years of hiding, years of slighting;

Countless moments spent with minds divided.

Who knows what the future holds;

I just that know that you won’t be alone.

As for me, I’d like to see a future full of certainty,

But I know it’s rare to be aware with all the bullshit in the air.

I’ve spent all my life living alone;

I’ve had too many girls to be on my own.

The feeling’s rough, and you know it’s hard,

But what better way to heal up my scar.

Day and night I lay awake;

Pray to God, for my soul’s sake;

And if I don’t get back with you

I know some day you’ll want me, too.

The reasons I can’t have you

Make no sense and feel taboo

But I want you to know that I can do

All the things that he never knew:

The type of lovin’ you need deep inside.

It doesn’t matter what happened then or now;

I’m not concerned, either, with when and how:

When I’m with you, when I see you

All the pain gets eased away.

Every day, with each passing lay

I see the evil seep to decay,

Filling in the emptiness

I’ve felt throughout the loneliness.

Say what you want, you know it’s true,

You felt it the night we made it through

– Dark and cold, I warmed you up,

You lit me me up, but of all you gave me love.

A lonely night? Well, was it really?

We made love all night,

until we were weary

Of those around us and those who’d frown us;

Inquisitive of fate,

we lied in bed afraid

Fearing the consequence,

Contemplating the recompense.

I, always the gentleman, reassured her

This night never happened and it was done.

Our time had come, and there ended the fun;

Our hearts were still full of something we couldn’t explain,

But that was my life – and hers.

A romance, void of gain, yet full of pain.

By Mensur Gjonbalaj

May 28, 2018

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The Lovelorn Kiss

The Lovelorn Kiss

Early into the Canadian spring

shone the late afternoon sun,

burning brightly, melting away my composure,

And drawing me closer to her.

My temperament ran dry as I began moving in for the kill,

Hoping for some feels and maybe even a kiss

⁃ a lovelorn kiss; one that I did not get, nor may ever.

I blamed myself for going in too soon,

And it was, after all, my fault.

She wasn’t ready; she may not have even wanted it from the start.

For all I’ve known, I may have just been shallow water for a woman who had just learnt to swim.

But to be frank,

I hadn’t really planned on it

⁃ not at the time, at least.

Yet why did I go for it?

Was it the long, illustrious sun-kissed hair, accentuated by shades and Hellenesque features? Or perhaps it was, the luminous, white, pasty flesh,

So modestly laden with her typical contemporary decor?

Perhaps, or perhaps not.

Could her scent,

the aroma of a pure-bred woman from the land of the ancients be to blame?

What of the half smirk, half smile, tinted in subtle, seductive whooshes of yearning?

Maybe I’m just a halfwit, or worse, lovelorn.

Perhaps I had failed to read her right – I never was much of a poker player.

All in all, she was voluminous in body and luscious in delight,

And it goes without saying,

I wouldn’t have minded a quick bite;

Yet, and quite unlike the past,

She did not yield to my charismatic charm, nor my cunning whims;

She was good, very good

⁃ or so I thought.

My failure wasn’t rooted in lack of the ensuing contact,

Which may have led to her dismay in me;

No, there was more to it.

I had failed myself, for more than wanting to touch her in any way I could,

More than merely having the momentary pleasure of having our lips – tongues, preferably – coalescing in a slow and rhythmic unity,

What I desired most was longevity:

The chance of wanting and being wanted and being cast away as an ephemeral love interest;

Whether it meant a long, gradual growth through friendship

Or a romance that just took its course naturally,

However soon our senses dictated.

That’s what I truly yearned for,

and perhaps now I’ve shot it down;

And for what? A moment’s recompense of my year’s long epoch of solitude?

That wasn’t even the case, unfortunately.

Desire hadn’t betrayed me, nor lack of composure, therein.

Deep inside, at the core of it all, lingered fear.

My fear wasn’t blameworthy, it was sincere and true;

Ofttimes, I miscalculate my actions negligently.

I liked her, I still do; I like her very much and it isn’t a puppy type of like nor a lovefool’s inhibition.

The fear was real; it was honest.

It left me vulnerable and open, something I hadn’t been in a very long time.

Leaving myself prey to the whims of a dashing woman, primitive in nature, but modern in thought,

Had left me wide-open as I left my heart out on an open platter

Ready to be scuttled by this pernicious beauty.

I took a gamble, and I’m still unsure of the consequence;

I pensively come to the pen in search of reason and clarity,

Vindictive of my failures the weekend prior.

Days later, I am not sure nor am I certain that there is anything I may or may not do to somehow to correct the feelings and needs of the woman who had so quickly captured my imagination and

⁃ dare I say, heart.

So it is: I sit, I lie, I walk, and I work in internal anxiety – fear of having foolishly ruined a good thing;

Yet, as a man, aware of his mind’s maturity and lack of romantic perplexity,

I’m confident that what is requited doesn’t stray so easily,

and especially, from so earnest a man.

If it does, let it be;

Hemingway had said,

“there’re always more fish in the seas, so keep fishing.”

He was right, but still, I’m uneasy;

Quantity doesn’t trump quality,

and for a fisherman, scrupulous as I, it’s all in the catch.

Written by Mensur Gjonbalaj

May 18, 2018

Friends, Never Again

death of love

Death of Love

In the dark of night 

We quivered and shook

Made love without light

 – without eyes to look.

Yet so strong was our bond

That the union only grew 

More perfect, more wrong;

None but us knew

Of a love quite this true .

And then on a night,

quite warm, 

Malice bellowed between us

And bore out a storm: 

Our glimmer turned to rust. 

I left her alone and she let me be

Which brought our nascent love 

to an abrupt end.

The days of saying, 

“I am you and you are me”, 

were now history. 

A fate we were sure we’d

never amend;

Thus, never again would we 

ever be friends.

Written by Mensur Gjonbalic

November 6, 2017 

Affinition

8797c6015faa989ec09ac68013be1741--love-art-all-love

Love Loss by Philip Straub

Affinition

The pain within me subsists

Failing to subside along

the malevolent shores of misery

– leaving my beckoning for

peace at a stalemate

I roam, now, as before,

as, what I once thought,

may not have been always

– now reassured as always

Discontent with the present condition,

I tend to be at a disadvantage of any sort of success in the gamble of affinition

Affinition is a self-concoction, or so I thought, to describe

my affinity towards seeking that which one so earnestly needs

– love and purpose

Yes, yes, love.

A word I could’ve saved time and space for,

but needed to banter about

because the word had been worn out

into nonexistence

– sort of like my heart’s ability to hope for it any longer

I thought I had it,

halting all otherworldly desires and aspirations to affix myself closer towards

what I perceived as the target

Yet, and, as I, very unfortunately so, have and apparently continue to say

[momentarily speaking]

the bullseye I’d been aiming at wasn’t even remotely within the boundaries of the circle

Drunken in what others witnessed as an incredulously bedazzled affixation

and what I still recall as ‘Love’

All my nerves had been pressed to their outermost limits

Agape, I snapped out of the spell

Aware of all that had taken place within

the better part of nearly two solar cycles,

Or as the commonly sane man calls it

– years –

I awoke to cleanse my future of irreversible chaos;

A fate I only had the power to deter

But, and not to my obvious lack of dismay,

had the opportunity to revisit old feelings

– many, if not all, I hadn’t seen in quite a while

Initially, these were intensely euphoric

until they receded into the currents of truth

and, a state of being, by no means, in need of a moniker: reality!

Reality struck once again, as always, once and for all; alas!

The drunken hour subsides and as the lighter hews of blue steep into the sky as I pen my embellished thoughts of somewhat-nothingness through the voracity of my ego,

I’ll spare prosaic detail:

All is done with; it’s over!

I, and you, the one – specific brunetted-gobekli amorada of a faraway land –

have ended a journey, cherished in misery,

in which we’ve circumnavigated

The Seas of Hallowed-Longing and perhaps now

– currently and speaking of what had occurred and of what may or may never be, in the hopes of ‘may never’ being never and ‘may’ being in the likelihood of being forever –

is where we’ve been longing to be

And may, bereft of all dismay, find what we’ve been so earnestly seeking.

 

[~ An affirmation of our affinition may,

Not in contentment nor dismay, not be of need;

For when it comes, it comes

And when it arrives, I’ll be there,

Along the shore, waiting ~]

 

by Mensur Gjonbalaj

Written on June 25, 2017

Lovers Estranged


Lovers Estranged

In the dark of night

We quivered and shook,

Made love without light

 – without eyes to look.

Yet so strong was our bond

That the union only grew 

So perfect, yet so wrong;

None but us knew

Of a love quite this true.

And then on a night,

quite warm

Malice bellowed between us

And bore out a storm.

Our glimmer turned to rust:

I left her alone and she let me be,

Which brought our nascent love

to an abrupt end.

The days of saying,

“I am you and you are me”,

were now history;

A fate we were sure we’d

never amend.

Thus, never again would we

ever be friends.

A loveless tirade of blameworthy games

Wrought upon us aimless ambitions

of endly up falsely engaged.

We were meager in faith

and quick to berate;

Cursed to be together no more

and in vain, with hearts so sore.

I no longer know of her

and to her I am dead.

We’re no longer lovers,

And the rest is better left unsaid:

Stranger than strangers

are lovers estranged.

By Mensur Gjonbalaj

October 30, 2017

Cries of Glory

Hello my fellow audience,

It has been quite a while since I’ve posted anything on this blog. My apologies to those who’ve been following me for the past four years or so; I’ve been busy working on many other writing projects, on top of having had quite a chaotic year, personally. But my I haven’t forgotten about my poetry. The following poem will be the first one I’ll be posting in over a year and I hope you all enjoy it, as I plan to post all the poems I’ve written in the past year within the next couple of weeks.

Thank you all for your love, support, and feedback!

Best regards,

Mensur Gjonbalaj

 

Cries of Glory

For whom the bell tolls, 

The winds blow in favor of the bold;

Loss is for the mundane of mind

and bleak of soul. 

 

Within the depths of thought

Must passion spark a flame to start;

Yet a glorious fate lies brim 

for the pondering fool who does

Nothing but wanders in the dark. 

 

For little do they know that before them

Stands a mountain of grandeur, 

yearning their call and eager to be mounted. 

 

Glory cries, “unsheathe the steel welded by fire and magic, 

And plunge it into the heart of Destiny!”

Conquer the dreams dreamt yesterday, today.

For tomorrow is when Fate is vanquished 

and Glory reigns tall. 

 

With every fleeting defeat comes humility, 

yielding into strength. 

And with every victory arises a difficulty 

to which only the Great may attest.

 

by Mensur Gjonbalaj

October 29, 2017

Aşk Şiiri 

aşk-hakkında-gerçekler

aşk şiiri

A poem I wrote in Turkish a couple of months back. I added an English version to it for my non-Turkish speaking audience.

Aşk Şiiri 

Ey sevgili dostum

Seni bekledim

Bana geldin

Şimdi kalbim sakin

Aşkım hüküm sürdü


A Love Poem

O my dear friend,

I’ve waited for you –

You came to me.

Now my heart is calm:

My Love has prevailed

 
~ Mensur Gjonbalaj

February 3, 2017